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I had a dream last night, I was eating a ten pound marshmallow. I woke up this morning and the pillow was gone
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It's strange, isn't it. You stand in the middle of a library and go "aaaaagghhhh" and everyone just stares at you.
But you do the same thing on an aeroplane and everyone joins in
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I rang up a local building firm, I said "I want a skip outside my house."
He said "I'm not stopping you"
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I was getting into my car and this bloke says to me, "can you give me a lift?"
I said, "sure, you look great,
the world's your oyster, go for it"
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I'm on a whisky diet. I've lost three days already
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I broke a mirror and got seven years bad luck, but my lawyer thinks he can get me five
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I had a friend who was a clown. When he died, all his friends went to the funeral in one car
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I had some eyeglasses. I was walking down the street when suddenly the prescription ran out
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I remember when the candle shop burned down. Everyone stood around singing "Happy Birthday"
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I replaced the headlights in my car with strobe lights, so it looks like I'm the only one moving
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I stayed in a really old hotel last night. They sent me a wake-up letter
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I think it's wrong that only one company makes the game Monopoly
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When I die, I'm leaving my body to science fiction
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My neighbour asked if he could use my lawnmower, I told him of course he could, so long as he didn't take it out
of my garden
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I lent someone I didn't like £20 and never saw them again - it was worth it
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