You are here >> Home >> Jokes RAILWAY JOKES We have collected a few jokes with a railway theme so have a little chuckle!

A man on the northbound "Night Caledonian" sleeping car train ordered one of the attendants, "I have to be off at Perth, I'm a heavy sleeper (no pun intended!), but I must get off there. I want you to put me off, whatever I say." The next morning he woke up at Inverness! Extremely annoyed he found the attendant and gave him a piece of his mind. After he had left, somebody asked the attendant, "How could you stand there and take that kind of talk?" "That's nothing!", replied the attendent, "you should have heard the guy I put off at Perth!"

Jim wanted a job as a signalman on the railways. At the job interview the inspector asked him this question: "What would you do if you saw 2 trains heading for each other on the SAME track? Jim said: "I would put all signals to danger" "What if they were going too fast?", asked the inspector. Jim said," I would switch the points for one of the trains." "What if the lever broke?", asked the inspector. "Then I'd dash down the signal box steps waving a red flag", said Jim. "What if it blew away in the wind?' asked the inspector. "Then I'd run back into signal box & phone the next signal box." "What if the phone was engaged?" "Well.....in that case," persevered Jim, " I'd rush down out of the box & use the public emergency phone at the level crossing." "What would you do if THAT was vandalized?" "Oh well, then I'd run into the village & get my Uncle Harry." This puzzled the Inspector, so he asked, "Why would you do that?" "Because he's never seen a train crash!!"

Young Alec and his parents were drinking at the bar in a train station when they heard a whistle. The three of them rushed out of the bar onto the platform only to discover that they had missed the train. "The next train is in one hour," said the stationmaster. The three went back into the bar. The parents had another drink, Alec had a coke. Again they heard a whistle, rushed out and discovered the train pulling away. "Next one is sixty minutes from now!" said the stationmaster. An hour later, Alec, with his mum and dad, raced out onto the platform, and his parents leaped onto the train as it pulled away. The boy was left standing on the platform and began to laugh uproariously. "Your parents just left you," said the stationmaster. "Why are you laughing?" "They only came to see me off!"

There was an Irishman, an Englishman and Claudia Schiffer sitting together in a railway carriage travelling through India. Suddenly the train went through a tunnel and as it was an old style train there were no lights in the carriages and it went completely dark. Then there was this kissing noise and the sound of a really loud slap. When the train came out of the tunnel, Claudia Schiffer and the Irishman were sitting as if nothing had happened and the Englishman had his hand against his face as he had been slapped there. The Englishman was thinking: "The Irish fella must have kissed Claudia Schiffer and she missed him and slapped me instead." Claudia Schiffer was thinking: "The English fella must have tried to kiss me and actually kissed the Irishman and got slapped for it." The Irishman was thinking: "This is great! The next time the train goes through a tunnel I'll make another kissing noise and slap that English idiot again."

"Did I miss my train? Did I miss my train? No, I didn't miss my train! I just chased it out of the station because I didn't like the look of it!"

There are fewer accidents on the railways than on the roads because the driver isn't always trying to look at the fireman's legs!

Why do steam locos have a sore bottom? Because they have a tender behind - groan groan

What's the difference between a teacher and a guard? One trains the mind, the other minds the train.

A man and his wife check into a hotel. The husband wants to have a drink at the bar but his wife is extremely tired so she decides to go on up to their room to rest. She lies down on the bed... just then, an elevated train passes by very close to the window and shakes the room so hard she's thrown out of the bed. Thinking this must be a freak occurrence, she lies down once more. Again a train shakes the room so violently she's thrown to the floor. Exasperated, she calls the front desk and asks for the manager. The manager says , "I'll be right up." The manager is sceptical but the wife insists the story is true. "Look... lie here on the bed -- you'll be thrown right to the floor!" So he lies down next to the wife. Just then the husband walks in. "What do you think you're doing!", he says. The manager calmly replies, "Would you believe I'm waiting for a train?"

A passenger train is creeping along, painfully slow. Finally, it creaks to a complete halt. A passenger sees the guard walking by outside. "What's going on?" she yells out the window. "Cow on the track!"replies the guard. Ten minutes later, the train resumes its slow pace. Within five minutes, however, it stops again. The woman sees the same guard walking by again. She leans out the window and yells, "What happened? Did we catch up with the cow again?"

A young English woman, whose brother who was stationed in Germany, decided to visit him by train. The German ticket inspector on the train punched her ticket, then chatted cordially for a bit, making gestures like a windmill. The young lady simply nodded from time to time to show him that she was interested. When he had gone, an American woman soldier in the compartment leaned forward and asked if the young lady spoke German. "No," she confessed. "Then that explains it," she said". "Explains what",asked the young woman. "Why you didn't bat an eyelid when he told you that you were on the wrong train."

A lawyer gets on a train to go to London. He sits next to a poor farmer. To pass the time the lawyer decides to play a game with the guy. "I will ask you a question and if you get it wrong, you have to pay me 1 pound. Then you ask me a question, and if I get it wrong, you get 10 pounds. You ask me a question first." The farmer thinks for a while. "I know", he says, "what has three legs, takes 10 hours to climb up a palm tree, and 10 seconds to get back down?" The lawyer is confused and thinks long and hard about the question. Finally, the train is approaching London. As it pulls into the station, the lawyer takes out 10 pounds and gives it to the farmer. "I don't know. What has 3 legs, takes 10 hours to get up a palm tree and 10 seconds to get back down?" The farmer takes the 10 pounds and puts it into his pocket. He then takes out 1 pound and hands it to the lawyer and says: "I don't know either."

A Texan is bragging to an Englishman on a train journey through England. "In Texas", he drawls, "you can get on a train, ride all day long, and still be in Texas by nightfall". "Yeah," replies the Englishman, "we have slow trains here too".

What's the best way to hold up a bride's train? Take a gun to the wedding!

A man goes to the buffet on the train and orders a burger. He gets back to his seat and is about to take a bite when he sees a hair sticking out. Very annoyed he takes it back to the buffet counter and tells the stewardess who served him "there's a hair in my burger"! "Just a minute" she says, "I'll have a word with the chief steward". She takes the burger to the chief steward who takes it out of the bun, flattens it under his armpit and puts it back in the bun. The man can see all this: "That's disgusting", he says. The stewardess says, "You think that's disgusting you should see him make doughnuts!"

Mr Smith gets into work late for the 5th time in five days and his boss says: "OK Smith, what's the excuse today? "Let's hear a good excuse for a change." "I'm very sorry boss," he says, "everything went wrong this morning, my wife decided to drive me to the station. She got ready in ten minutes but we got stuck in traffic. I didn't want to let you down so I got out of the car, knocked a policeman off his motor bike, stole his bike and raced through the streets to the station with siren screaching, the train was just pulling out of the platform so I ran after it and jumped on the back, I clung on at speeds of 100mph for 30 minutes but it didn't stop in the station so I jumped off on the viaduct into the swollen river and swam through raging torrents, got out of the river and grabbed a passing fire engine, clung on for dear life and it dropped me off here - and here I am - look, my suit's still damp!" "You'll have to do better than that, Smith," said the boss, disappointed. "That's unbelievable, no woman can get ready in ten minutes!"

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